The Heart of the Matter: Take 2

Can you get to your future if your past is present?
~Carrie Bradshaw

Yesterday, I wrote a post rehashing the largest relationship of my past in a play by play style. After sleeping on it, I had an epiphany: Life isn’t about the past, it’s about the future. There was something that had me reading the post over and over, and each time I did my knees grew weak. It may have popped up in your reader*, but I just couldn’t go through with keeping it posted on here. It’s just not the direction I’m trying to take things in life.

I have so many pictures and memories of my time with V. Our roller-coaster was long and furious. It had so many peaks and valleys, twists and turns, and you never knew when it was going to throw you into a series of corkscrews. I rode it for five years…

It’s been 2 years, 5 months, and 12 days since we broke up. I’ve never been stronger or happier in my life. I’ve deleted his number, I rarely want to call. We don’t communicate, but for some reason I felt the need to respond to his message the other night. If nothing else it proved to me that I know with certainly that I never want to get back on that ride again in my life. I don’t regret my time with V. It made me who I am today.

When the SATC Movie Soundtrack came out, I snatched it up as fast as iTunes would let me. I haven’t been able to stop playing the India Arie version of the Don Henley song The Heart of the Matter. I’ve listened to it well over 100 times. Some days it makes me think of V, but others it just reminds me to “put it all behind”.

All the people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside.
I’ve been trying to get down
To the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh gets weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about, forgiveness.
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.
~Heart of the Matter
*If I’m in your reader, I’m totally flattered!

10 responses to “The Heart of the Matter: Take 2

  1. Uh, YES you’re in my reader, and I read the post and came here to comment on that one, but now understand why you took it down.

    Sounds like your time with V, though it had it’s ups and downs, like anything else, served as a real growing experience for you, and you’ve learned a heck of a lot from it all. I’m glad to hear that you are feeling stronger than ever with the way things have turned out.

    PS- I LOVE the India Ari version of that song also!

  2. SJ, thank you for the honest post. I really got me thinking this morning about letting go, and how it is ok to still remember the last time you talked, or saw him. I did catch both versions of the post, and I liked that you slept on it and woke up with a refreshed view of the situation.

    I have a very similar story, only it goes on for a longer period of time, ends up getting even more complicated, and ends with a divorce. My blog started as a way to grow past him, but if you notice carefully he is never mentioned on it. Maybe someday….

  3. Yes letting go.. I am still trying to decide if I want to let go or try it one more time.. although NSW and I were only together for a short period of time he had an effect on my life that I just can’t let go of yet… And of course you are on my reader… Love the posts.

  4. SJ, I’m so proud of you and your strength! I recently went thru one of the toughest heartbreaks in my life. Although we only dated for a year I continued to subject myself to another year of heart ache and rollercoaster rides in hoping and believing he would realize that we should be together and he made the biggest mistake of his life. In that year I slowly lost some much of my confidence, happiness, and my true self.
    After a year of many tears and countless times of swearing him off-I had enough! I wasn’t sure what to do but I knew I hated this person I had become (weak, vulnerable, and needy) so I threw myself head first in doing whatever I could to feel good again. It’s been 6 months since I’ve had any contact with him and I’m stronger, happier, and more independent than I’ve ever been.
    This post really struck home to me. I want to thank you for being such a optimistic and strong woman-Most of my strength to get out of this relationship was from romodels like you. Seeing others go thru similar things and come out better than ever helped me realize I can do it too.
    Your inspiration to me!

  5. I’ve done the same thing with India’s song. Letting go is really a process and you can’t do it until you’re ready.

  6. jenniferalaine

    I saw the post in my reader, but I see where you’re coming from the letting go of the past. It seems like something so simple – a blog post – but it really can be weighing down on you just knowing that it exists.

    Anyway, it was a great post. I’ve downloaded the India.Arie song and it’s perfect.

  7. Auburn Kat

    As you prob know, I commented on the other blog post before you took it down. I am so proud of you for not wanting to get back together with him. I know how it feels and am realizing more and more how destructive my ex was to me. I had no confidence when I was with him and turned into someone that wasn’t me. Like you, it was a great lesson and something that I needed to learn!

  8. Chelsea Talks Smack

    Oh man, that quote still sticks out as one of my favorite from CB, AND that song….India Aries remake is AMAZING. I’ve defintiely had that on repeat before.

  9. I deleted “his” number too. One night a couple weeks ago I willed myself to remember it so I could use it because for that miniscule second, I wanted him to be there. I’m so glad I couldn’t come up with it…

  10. Pingback: A Tale of Two Turkeys « Not Your Plain Jane

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