Filter

I started blogging just over a year ago when my life was taking a big transition. There weren’t very many people reading my blog at all. Not friends, not strangers, no one in the blog world. I got a comment about once every fifth post, and I about wet my pants at the thought that someone cared about what I had to say.

I let a few of my friends and family in so that they could be a part of my daily thoughts and keep up with me.

As I started to find other friends that blog, I was introduced to a few other twenty something women bloggers and I saw how they were really able to express their feelings, stories and daily lives. Once I started writing, my fingers became my heartstrings and I found a peacefulness in expressing myself through words. I wasn’t writing for anyone but me. I didn’t find the need to be anonymous, because I had nothing to hide.

Then more and more people I knew found my blog and I felt a pressure to write to please. My posts started to offend, hurt or question my feelings and decisions.

And now I feel like I constantly have to filter…

Filter stories about boys, so that I don’t get 100 text the next day asking me who the mystery man is or why I haven’t forgot about him.

Filter my wild weekend stories, so my mom won’t call me and ask if I feel that it’s appropriate to be acting this way.

Filter the hurt I feel when a friend lets me down, so that they don’t get upset for me publishing our business on the Internet.

Filter that I miss the idea of him, so that those close to me will think that I haven’t let go.

Filter my fears of security in my professional and personal life, for fear that writing them means that I’m admitting to my own fears.

I feel like I have so much to say that I’m bursting at the seams and I’m not going to be able to get it all out without a total meltdown. Perhaps that’s where I am now…

Is anyone else feeling this way? I know I can’t be the only one.

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13 responses to “Filter

  1. Playful Professional

    I’ve stayed pretty far away from any of these topics for the exact reasons you said. My blog has been more of a way to express good things in my life, and I write the rest of the stuff in either a private blog (with my best friend) or in a journal I have by my bed. It’s hard though because everything you say on your blog is always going to be accessible to everyone unless you go private, which isn’t quite as fun. Good luck trying to decide what to do.

  2. I know exactly what you mean, it is that kind of anxiety that has prevented me from starting a blog and/or facebook/etc. I wish I had some advice for you… but I’m at a loss. I have the same fears!! BUT I so enjoy reading your blog! 🙂 Please don’t stop writing!!

  3. I know exactly how you feel! I’ve only told a couple people who know me in as I call it “real life” about my blog. That way I can write what I want to write.

    Before my current blog I had a different one that I wrote on for almost two years, but when the ex and I broke up, he would check it constantly to see what I was up to so I didn’t feel like I could write about what I was really going through. So I had to make that blog private and start my current blog. I am happy that most people don’t know about my blog, I think it allows me to not filter it as much as I would have to.

  4. yes. to all of those things. I recently had a friendship end because I wrote about a “mini-fight” on my blog.. since then I had to make it private, and I have a separate blog for “the public”.. it was one of the biggest blow-outs I’ve ever experienced and now I am filtering everything.. not only in my blog(s) but in conversations with people I used to trust explicitly. it sucks. but where is the line? ..I haven’t been able to figure it out.

    I hope you don’t mind my reading your blog, whether it’s filtered or not 🙂 I came across it somehow when you had the post up about water for elephants. I was intrigued and ordered it that day from amazon and finished it a few days ago! thanks for the tip 🙂

  5. FORGET ABOUT THEM!!!! It is your blog, you write what you want. And if others don’t like it….well then they shouldn’t read it! Or start one anonomously.

  6. I totally agree with you. It’s hard to draw the line. There are many times I have wanted to blog about the hurt I’ve felt from various situations, but you feel like you can’t because the people that hurt you are also your friends and the ones that are reading your blog. Perhaps we should both start new blogs that no one we know knows about and just develop a community of 20 something blog friends–that care about what we all have to say, but aren’t close enough to the situation to judge! 🙂 I do agree with Julie, though. They’re our blogs…we should be able to write what we want and what we feel–isn’t that the point? Keep your chin up.

  7. I feel this way, too.
    I try to NOT filter
    though…and just to
    let my fingers roam
    where they feel it’s
    necessary. Because like
    you said, I write for me.
    Not for anyone else. So.
    Honestly…why should
    we really care what others
    think? It’s our blog…and
    it should be free speech,
    right? Mmm.

    If only that were the case.
    In the words of a pirate…
    ARGG.

  8. I think we all go through this every now and then. I know I tend to filter what I write because my sister and boyfriend read it. I never write about him but I definitely would have lots to say!

  9. I would have to agree with you 100%! I started to blog as a way to let my mind escape from “him” and get over “him” – but as I have mentioned to you before. But have I ever mentioned “him” on the blog? Have I ever said anything about how I was feeling? No the blog is more of the same front I put on for people so that they think I am doing ok, but really inside I am still not over “him”. Are we doing the right thing by filtering? Is it doing us any good? What would happen if we set up a separate blog where people didn’t know who we were and we were able to get all of those feelings out? Would it still feel the same if we didn’t have the support network of the people we know reading what we have to say? Let me know if you ever figure it out. ~SJ

  10. Brooklyn Sweetie

    Hi!

    I saw a reply you made to someone where you spoke about going to the Pottery Barn website and filling your wagon with all of the things you liked. I do that all of the time as I salivate over their great items! I didn’t realize that other people did that.

  11. i can only imagine how you feel – that’s why i blog semi-anonymously…though i don’t blog about anything too personal – but just in case i want to i talk about my work but never specific enough or naming companies…i blog under my first initial, and call my friends things like ‘besties’. my friends and family don’t know about my blog and i think i like to keep it that way because i would hate to have to filter my thoughts.

  12. Hi, I was just lurking and decided to be brave and let you know! I’m still pretty new to blogging but I feel the same way! I’ve seen some bloggers that are anonymous and sometimes I wish I had gone that route. Sometimes I want to write about my sex life (so sad…totally lost my mojo since I had a baby…I can tell you since you’re a complete stranger) but then I remember that my parents and worse perhaps my mother-in-law might be reading, so then I stop and feel frustrated. I love your blog, if you ever really want to write about something you can be an anonymous guest author on my blog if you want! 🙂

  13. i know this is an older-ish post, but i just found your blog today and this particular post caught my attention. i’ve had a “blog” on another site for 7 years. and over there…everyone i know reads me. including my mother, my sister, my cousin, tons of friends i know in real life. i have ALWAYS had to censor myself. i get so sick of it, and this blog has been fun – not having to worry about anything. (not that i’ve really touched on anything iffy just yet, but still). i still have a few people who know me IRL reading this blog, but only a few…and they are the people i can really be open with anyway. so..i hear ya! i think that’s every blogger’s dilema, if they don’t stay annon.!

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