I started blogging just over a year ago when my life was taking a big transition. There weren’t very many people reading my blog at all. Not friends, not strangers, no one in the blog world. I got a comment about once every fifth post, and I about wet my pants at the thought that someone cared about what I had to say.
I let a few of my friends and family in so that they could be a part of my daily thoughts and keep up with me.
As I started to find other friends that blog, I was introduced to a few other twenty something women bloggers and I saw how they were really able to express their feelings, stories and daily lives. Once I started writing, my fingers became my heartstrings and I found a peacefulness in expressing myself through words. I wasn’t writing for anyone but me. I didn’t find the need to be anonymous, because I had nothing to hide.
Then more and more people I knew found my blog and I felt a pressure to write to please. My posts started to offend, hurt or question my feelings and decisions.
And now I feel like I constantly have to filter…
Filter stories about boys, so that I don’t get 100 text the next day asking me who the mystery man is or why I haven’t forgot about him.
Filter my wild weekend stories, so my mom won’t call me and ask if I feel that it’s appropriate to be acting this way.
Filter the hurt I feel when a friend lets me down, so that they don’t get upset for me publishing our business on the Internet.
Filter that I miss the idea of him, so that those close to me will think that I haven’t let go.
Filter my fears of security in my professional and personal life, for fear that writing them means that I’m admitting to my own fears.
I feel like I have so much to say that I’m bursting at the seams and I’m not going to be able to get it all out without a total meltdown. Perhaps that’s where I am now…
Is anyone else feeling this way? I know I can’t be the only one.