A Tale of Two Turkeys

I know that on Thanksgiving I should be letting you all know all of the things that I’m thankful for. There are a ton of them, and I’ll be sure to let you know all about them some day soon. But it wouldn’t be fair for me to let this day go by and not share with you the “Tale of Two Turkeys”.

Once upon a time, in a far off land known as Kentucky, there was a fun spirited girl named SJ. She was madly in love with a shitty foolish boy named V, regardless of the fact that he had put her on a roller coaster ride for 5 long years. When their tumultuous love finally came to an end, they were living together in a small one bedroom apartment. Although their relationship came to an end, there were still a few more weeks to go in their lease and they stayed living together. V decided he would be the one to move out, leaving SJ to live alone in their apartment.

It was so hard for SJ continue to live in the same space she once shared with her long time love. Like many men, V was not very diligent when it came to packing his belongings and left many loose ends behind. Every time SJ would open the closet, she would see the coats he left behind. They still smell like him and had receipts in the pockets from dates they’d had in the past. When she went to get the mail, his name could be found on credit card offers and magazines. His protein shakes were in the cupboard next to the flour and…the 13 lb. frozen turkey V’s work had given him for Thanksgiving was right next to her peppermint ice cream, monopolizing freezer space. He was everywhere she turned, despite the fact that he’d been gone for weeks.

V had only moved about a mile down the road and was living in a house with a boy named Freddie. Freddie was good friends with both SJ and V, and was one of SJ’s employees! This made things even harder than you can imagine for her broken heart.

One day at work, SJ was caught off guard by a phone call from V, “Jane, I need you to get my coats and my mail and bring it to Freddie. That stuffs been laying around your house too long.”

SJ was caught off guard by his demands and felt so nauseous she thought that she was going to get sick all over her desk. How dare he call her at work and demand her return the stuff that he left behind?

While at home on  her lunch break SJ’s decided that she couldn’t let these emotions consume her life anymore. That’s when a light bulb went off in her head. DING! She decided to quit being sad and start getting even!

She grabbed the largest box that she could find and started filling it with his things, the coats he’d left in the hall closet, the t shirt that was behind the washer, the month’s worth of junk mail that had been littering the kitchen counter, the creatine powder that had been a waste of space in the pantry and last but not least, she topped the box off with the 13lb frozen turkey.

As she was taping the box up, she couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. The only thing that could have made this moment any better would have been if she was able to see his face when he opened his final parting gift. She thought about wrapping it up as a house warming gift and enclosing a sweet note.

Dear douche V,

Thank you for finally getting out of my life for good. Hope to not hear from you.  Congrats on your new home.



But after second thought, she decided that may cause him to open the gift right away.

SJ returned to work box in hand and passed off the goods to Freddie. She felt bad putting him in the middle of things, but she had no other choice.Freddie put the box in his trunk Friday afternoon, and gave it to V when he remembered on Sunday evening.

Yes, you read that right. The frozen turkey sat on top of all of his coats and mail, in the trunk of a car for 2 full days!

Monday morning, my store opened at 7:30 AM, at 7:31 AM the phone rang.

“Thanks for returning the turkey.”

SJ couldn’t hold her composure any longer…all she could do was laugh. It was the first sense of closure she had in her relationship. After years of putting up with his chicken shit, she’d finally give him the bird.

Happy Turkey Day!


13 responses to “A Tale of Two Turkeys

  1. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT! That is so funny!!!

  2. BTW, that was so sweet of you to send me the little note! That just made my day!

  3. haha! reason #347 that i heart you.

  4. GREAT story!! I love it!

  5. This is hilarious!! You go girl 🙂 seriously, too funny!

  6. I love it. It couldn’t have worked out better that Freddie forgot about the box!

  7. That is friggin AWESOME…. your my new hero…

  8. You are AWESOME!

    I’m thinking you could probably teach me a thing or two about getting even.

    Love it!

  9. jajja I love your stories!!

    Lucky guy, he got his turkey back!

    Have a great weekend.. enjoy spending time with your family!

  10. Ha ha ha ha ha! SJ! That is hilarious. You are awesome! Hope you had a good Thanksgiving.

  11. I had such plans the “The X”, but he never arranged a time to come and get his stuff. In the process of picking up his loose ends around my house I found a few un-given gifts that had to be for me (I figured that they had to be for me and not for the “Other Gal” after opening them). The Ant Farm that I blogged about awhile back was it. He got me an ant farm as a birthday present! How lame! Well anyway, the ants are living on my desk now at school, but they didn’t last very long. The kids keep saying that all the ants are dead and all I can do is crack up to myself “Yep, the ants lived just as short of a life as the marriage!”

    Thanks for the funny revenge story!

  12. Karma. It will get them every time.

    Very funny story…I seem to have the same problem with exes leaving stuff in my place. Or in the case of my last 2-year relationship, not returning my keys for 4 months. So I made a new rule…no more men in my house! And Im happy to say that no Y chromosomes have crossed my threshold in almost 8 months.

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